Absolutely love this girl. I met Mariah when she was a spunky five-year-old, and she’s a beautiful young woman today. She posted this status update on facebook yesterday and I asked if I could re-post it on my blog. Such an important message about something we don’t talk that much about:
This is NOT to gain sympathy or for anyone to be sad for me or for me to be seeking attention. This is for this important day to open your eyes and to always be aware of the people around you.
My name is Mariah Alexandria Trujillo Christopher and I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Many of you already know this about me, many of you don’t. I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I don’t like hiding who I am and I don’t like faking happiness just to please other people when I’m dying inside. I have struggled with depression since I was a VERY young child. I suffered through it through my elementary years, through junior high and high school. I wasn’t exactly able to always understand why I was so sad all the time. I could never pin point why I always felt alone, and why everything that happened to me, that was bad or that felt bad to me and not other people, felt like the end of the world (which often caused people to call me and look at me as a Drama Queen). The comfiest/safest place on days after school was my room in a corner (literally) listening to Fall Out Boy. Of course every teenager is weird and explored that “Emo Kid” trend. It wasn’t a trend for me…I thought it was…..but it wasn’t. I started to notice that wearing black, being alone, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to be around people, hating the world, isolating myself was becoming a lifestyle that wasn’t letting up and I was comfortable in it. After high school I went to college, had a boyfriend, got a job, was teaching Sunday school at church and was becoming something of myself….but then here came that comfortable darkness that seemed to be better than what I was doing. School seemed like a waste of time, putting on a face for customers at work and the kids at church became physically exhausting, fights with my boyfriend sent me into hysterical fits (sometimes to where I’d have to pull to the side of the road because I was crying so bad). I didn’t get it. I had such good things in my life, but my brain just wouldn’t let me feel that happiness or that goodness that was coming from having and doing those things. Slowly I began to get rid of those things, I quit school, church, and work. Then about 3 years ago, I went into a “sickness” that would send me into the darkest, loneliest, most horrifying time of my life. I straight up, 100% did NOT want to be on this earth anymore, I couldn’t take it, I wanted to go to Heaven. I wanted to be in a place that didn’t know sadness or hurt. I wanted to take my own life. I couldn’t find a shred of a reason to stay here anymore. Overdosing on pills or cutting my body to let blood spill seemed more appealing than anything. At some points I even wondered if God was real because if He was, then why was I hurting so bad, why was I physically ill and my body was failing on me? Why am I gaining weight that is making me feel even worse about myself?! Why did He choose this for me? I’ve cried a lot and screamed to God “What did I do to possibly deserve this?!” I just didn’t understand why He would let me feel the worst possible?!
From 5-22 I have suffered in one way or another, whether I understood it or not, or whether I knew what was happening or not. Suffering is apart of me. But when I finally understood, when I finally was diagnosed, when I was able to say, “I have depression, I have a mental illness, this isn’t my fault, I’m sick” I was able to look in the mirror, look down at the scars on my wrists and arms, and say “I’ve made it this far, I’ve fought through it, I’m becoming stronger than before.” I picked up my Bible and finally listened to the stories, saw that so many men and women suffered. “When I was anxious and upset you calmed me down and cheered me up” Psalm 94:19. That’s my verse because it says many things to me, 1. That David of all people was freaking out a little bit and was scared, and was just like me I believe 2. That God will always be there to help me, when I ask. 3. That I’m never ever ever ever alone. I often feel like I’m the only one suffering from this. Suffering from this illness. But I’m not.
There is a difference between being sad and being depressed. I hate when people get the 2 mixed up because the illness tends to lose its importance and it’s meaning. I have taken more anti depressants and mood stabilizers than you could possibly imagine. My doctors have even been shocked. It’s an illness, it’s a sickness, it’s not an emotion. The emotions of crying and moping just come with it. Wanting to take your life, wanting to say ADIOS and BYE FELECIA to this world and truly consider it and mean it….that’s depression.
It terrifies me, and it saddens me more than anything that right now, today, I haven’t seen but 3-4 posts on the awareness of this day. I bet you, if Kim Kardashian changed her hair it would be bigger news than people taking their own lives, or praising people that have overcome and are fighting back to want to take their lives.
I Mariah, vow to never take my life. I know and believe that God has bigger things in store for me and because of this illness, that I’m pushing through right now, He will help me bless others and help other people who have suffered just like me. This isn’t a joke. I’ve been at my absolute 100% lowest and God has said “no, it’s not time”. I’ve always been terrified to actually go through with taking my life and I believe that’s God putting His hand on me and saying “No.” That’s why I got that tattoo to cover up my long gone scars and to always be reminded that God is right here, always, and I should never have to hurt myself again.
I still suffer every single day from this, I actually currently feel like crap. But these are the roadblocks I’ll face until God allows and shows me my Disney fairytale come true. xXXx #WorldSuicidePreventionDay
